Robin Williams Shocked Us All

This is a wonderful short video tribute shared by moderngreen on YouTube

 

I will also add a small warning hear. This is not a happy post. This is, to me at least, a very serious post. So be prepared for that if you decide to keep reading.

It has been quite a few days since the world and I were shocked to hear of the death of Robin Williams. I haven’t known how to say how it affected me. I’m still struggling to do so. I do know it has made me incredibly sad.

I have loved him from the moment I saw him being the weird and wonderful Mork from Ork on Happy Days. I was fascinated by the character, and the man who was playing him. So began my journey with Mr. Williams. Unlike him, I have never had a drug or addiction problem. But. . . like him I have had a problem with depression.

I’ve struggled with depression off and on for many of my 50+ years. Unfortunately it has been a constant thing most of the last 2 years. Even people close to me don’t always know what to do around me. If someone as successful and loved as Robin Williams can’t beat depression, how does someone like me do it? This has been the question I have pondered since he died. In his suicide, he brought me face to face with the reality of my thoughts, and how they must not be true. You see I have mostly tried to work through my depression by telling myself it would be better when I was successful in my financial endeavors. It would be better when I didn’t have to fight so hard to get by on a day to day level. It would be better when I had enough money to cover my bills and have a little left over for other things. Then, then. . . it would be better

If it’s wasn’t better for him, how will it ever be better for me? I’m sure I’m not the only person thinking along these lines, and I have been glad some people have included suicide hotline numbers in their comments about Robin. I haven’t been suicidal at this point. I did have an episode with suicide several years ago when going through a brutal separation and divorce. But I haven’t had a second round with it, just a battle with depression itself and having a hard time going on day after day with every day life. I’m trudging through at best it seems. But I am trudging through.

And it’s not that good things do not and have not happened for me and in my life. That’s not what depression is, a lack of good things around us. It has been explained many times in many ways, Google it if you need a description. Just don’t waste my time or yours by telling me or anybody else to just ‘get over it!’ That’s a bullshit comment from someone who doesn’t want to take the time to figure out something that might be helpful. So just don’t.

Depression for me has been recognizing that I don’t have the life I worked so hard for and dreamed of. I don’t have the relationships with some of my family that I should have, because they want to lie and steal and be drug addicts and say way to much lying crap about me for me to be a part of their lives. I have also been constantly attacked by these same family members, and have not been able to get resolution inside of myself for all the crap they have put me through. Add with that a business set up that I got completely hood winked in, and wasted several years of my life working towards to have it stolen from me too. There are other things I could add here, but I’m not gonna. It’s been hard, life is not easy and that’s pretty much a total of the sum of it for me.

So, I am not a financial success. The efforts I have been making are not giving me the results I need and want. I’m tired of being told how much better our economy is. If that is true, why are so many people still out of work, or if working, still not getting raises and still seeing their benefits cut? That’s not better folks. Just be logical about it. I am glad for the people who are doing better for themselves over the last few years, but it has been more the other way that I have witnessed.

Robin has died. His shining life has been silenced. His success didn’t save him, our love for him couldn’t sustain him and the reality of depression finally won in his life. I miss him, I am sad he is not on this planet anymore and I pray that he has found peace now. I do understand not having internal peace. Thankfully I have had enough periods of that during my current personal struggle to keep me going. I pray for his family and friends and all of us that miss him and hate that this has happened. I think it scares everyone too, to think if he could kill himself maybe one day they could too. Maybe not, but it shook me up. I bet I’m not the only one.

On a better day I will share my memories of him and some of the laughs he gave me. I do love that he started making things like Aladdin so his daughter could watch his movies with him. There are other things about him like that, and I’ll share those another day.

In the mean time, I’ll keep working out my life one day at a time with God’s help and love from friends and family. I just felt like I needed to share this as it is, and see who else out there might understand or feel this way too. You are not alone.

Until another day then, this is all. Angela

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Worthiness

Worthiness. Value.

Worth:
1. Having worth, merit, or value; useful or valuable.
2. Honorable; admirable: a worthy fellow.
3. Having sufficient worth; deserving:

Having worth or worthiness or being worthy must be a hard thing to define because even the dictionary references I looked at use the word worth to define the word worth. Isn’t this funny? And isn’t this the way it is for us? I know I have a problem feeling worth much, feeling worthy of good. Do you have the same problem as me? It seems to be as hard for us to define our own worthiness as it is for the dictionaries to explain to us what it is.

A beautiful flower doesn’t worry about it’s worthiness

For me, part of realizing I have worthiness is learning that I deserve to receive good in all ways. God wants to bless me, but I feel like I don’t deserve it. I haven’t been good enough, or done enough, or worked hard enough…..does any of that sound familiar?

I was taught a lot of this, that everything had to be proven to God. My merit had to be based on how well I performed. I’m coming to realize that this is really how I feel, but it isn’t the way God wants me to be. His love for me, for us, is not based on my performance or behavior or really anything I do or don’t do. Because my brain was trained this way, I am the one who makes my worth and value about my performance.

People also work on this part of me too. Use to be that I had friends that only liked me when I behaved the way they thought I was suppose to. I had to live up to their expectation of who I was, be the person they thought and wanted me to be, for them to be friends with me. I guess I outgrew most of that foolishness. I am becoming my own version of who I am. And I’m not apologizing for it anymore either. :D I’ve done some of that in the past too, lol.

In struggling to accept my own worthiness, I am seeing where I block some of the good things in life from happening to me. When my belief is I’m not good enough for good things to happen, then how can I accept the good things that life does bring to me? Good things aren’t rewards for my good behavior, they’re things that I can believe for and accept when they come my way. I think it’s part of God’s plan to demonstrate His love to me, and in turn for me to demonstrate love everywhere I am too.

This thought trail is making me wonder how many blessings, how much good in my life, have I cut off because I couldn’t see it? I can change my perception of life, I can stop being uber suspicious and paranoid. If I am looking for good and not for evil, looking for good and not for bad things, won’t I notice more of the beauty in life and more of the loveliness all around me?

Then again too, learning to accept Heaven’s help isn’t just about me personally; it’s about allowing myself to be helped so that I can help others. Accept good graciously, and affirm: “Thank you for gifts that have come to me now. I gratefully accept them for the good of all.” If I am blessed and worthy and receive good things, won’t I have good things to share with others?

Instead of fearing lack, I can look forward to the good things that are coming to me and be grateful for the good I have already received.

You may be wondering what brought this thought trail to life for me today. We just got back from a fun vacation. Life was good, and I was feeling relaxed. Upon arriving home however, we discovered some new damage to our roof with lots of little brown spots showing up everywhere. Hail damage. Water spots. Great. Time to call the insurance company and make a claim. Fun stuff, right?

So I make the call. And immediately start worrying. A roof is not cheap. It costs a lot to replace them, I worry that it’s not going to be covered, that there’s going to be some problem, some loophole that is going to leave me hanging. I managed to sleep that night, but had to do a good bit of distracting myself to accomplish it.

The next day the adjuster came by and took a look at our damage. After he had assessed everything, he came back with this news. My roof did have damage, but I didn’t have full replacement value with my policy. He could help me out some, but it would be a depreciated amount of what my roof was worth.

Yikes! My fears were coming true. There was a loophole in the policy, and now I really start worrying about where the extra money will come from for the repairs. I also called my agent because I did buy a specific policy from them that was suppose to be replacement value. Unfortunately, the loophole did exist that hail damage had a special exclusion so I would only get the depreciated amount. Le sigh. Now what?

I didn’t get any sleep that night, sleep evaded me no matter how hard I tried to find it. The adjuster called the next day and said what the amount was I would receive. My heart sank, but at this point I was thankful for any help I was getting. I didn’t have any estimates yet, so I got some recommendations and made appointments for appraisals. I was still anxious to hear back on the figures.

Now let’s pop back to my deal with worthiness. I was expecting bad news and I got it. I also realized this and started trying to work on the way I was thinking. I also said a few prayers and asked a couple of my praying friends to join me. At this point I’m not quite as anxious as I was, more concerned at this point. I needed to get some numbers to work so I knew what I was facing.

A friend sent one gentleman over to appraise things for me. Very nice gentleman, husband of my friend’s friend. He does this work all the time. He climbs and measures and thanks me and says he’ll call me with an estimate in a little bit. I actually felt pretty good about his attitude, so I waited to hear from him.

I didn’t have to wait long, he did what he said. He called me very shortly to go over figures for everything with me. Then the next thing that happened blew my mind, it really did. Turns out the estimate is almost to the dollar of what the insurance company told me they were going to pay me. Almost to the dollar! And no, I had not told him what the figures we were working with.

Roof in Progress!

Lol!!! I lost sleep over absolutely nothing. I just knew I was going to be a several thousand dollars short on what I needed, but I was so, so wrong! Goodness does come to me, and I am blessed. Now I am happy to be a blessing to this company and hire them too. Win win for both of us. They need business and I need a roof. We are going to be able to work with each other and accomplish both things. If you need the name of a great roofing company, just let me know.  :)

Now I just hope I can remember how all this worked out the next time my reactions want me to worry and be afraid and lose sleep. If any of you want to remind me of all this the next time I fall down a worry hole, please feel free to do so! Hope you find goodness running after you this week! Angela

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Happy Fourth of July!

Red Skelton was a wonderful comedian. My Granny loved him, so I watched him with her whenever she could find him on TV. I remember watching this originally with her at home, and loved every word of it. The sad part to me is that many children today don’t know how to recite our Pledge of Allegiance, and don’t understand much about patriotism at all. I am thankful I was born in a time when being patriotic was still the norm, even with all the problems of the Vietnam War and other political issues.

A friend shared this on Facebook yesterday and reminded me of it. Thanks to her you get to hear this wonderful explanation of our Pledge of Allegiance by Red Skelton. This was read into Congress two different times and has received several awards as well.

I hope you and your family enjoy the fun and freedom as we once again celebrate our very own Independence Day!

 

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Putting Heart to Pen