Accidentally Angela

Don’t let it turn you, the thing that changed your soul. It has the capacity to render you incapacitated. Heard this in a TV show.  That sentence seems funny to me… capacity… incapacitated…. both in the same sentence meaning something totally different. Words that are similar but different.  Don’t know why I laughed, but I did. My grandmother’s last name was laughter, but someone changed the way it was pronounced so it became Law-ter. Seems strange to me, but that’s what happened. I wonder if when whomever decided to change it had suffered a changing of their soul.

I feel fragmented. I feel like I’m in pieces instead of whole. I am drowning in my life and I’m not sure I can keep kicking to swim. Do I want to keep kicking? I think so. I don’t want to not be here. I just feel so very very tired a lot of the time. It’s not a fun feeling.  Have you ever had a thing happen to you that broke part of you? Something that hurt you so bad you couldn’t really recover from it? I have recovered from several soul wrenching things. But this time I feel weird, like it’s broke and I can’t fix it. I am disillusioned by church, by some friends, by ex husbands, by former bosses. But I don’t have to focus on these things, right? I can focus on better things if I will just remember to. Like the customer yesterday whom I’ve been working with for almost 2 years. He started out a belligerent man, a belligerent customer, upset with the changes in business that brought me to his office to be his agent. I worked on his policies to help if I could. I found things we could change that did help him, and I was able to help him again this year. His wife called me. She wanted to thank me for working so hard to help them. She really wanted me to know how much she appreciated me working to help them. It was a great call. Mostly I get the “why do I have to pay for insurance” kinda calls. So this one was really nice. I need to think on these things to encourage myself.

I read something earlier that I really, really liked:

Fly with those who see the power of your wings…..
4th January 2011 by melody under Everyday Brave

Fly with those who see the best in you.

Fly with those who inspire you to be better.

Fly with those who are going the direction that you want to go.

Fly with those who believe in riding the wind.

Fly with those who see the power of your wings………

It’s from brave girls club on line. Fly with those who see the power of your wings……Do I need to see it too to fly, or can I fly even in doubt? I’m not sure but I don’t think so. It sounds or reads so sappy or sad now that I am writing all this out….but that’s the way it is. My cheerleader capacity seems to be eluding me at the moment. I will ponder those things that are good in my life right now, including the good customers, instead of being stuck in a playback loop of all the junk I deal with. I can do this. And I want to.

I also want to sew my daughter’s apron this weekend, or at least get started on it. I have cut it all out, and even have the bias tape made. My next post will be all about that:). So I should be able to start sewing. We’ll see. It will be great. She is a ’50′s kinda gal and the apron is modeled after a vintage style with black and white fabrics she picked out, and  they look great together. I would have gone for way more color, but the patterns are nice and it really looks fantastic all laid out. I will also be blogging about the process of sewing the apron together. At least that is my intention.

Valentine Cookie

I also want to write and share my favorite cookie recipes from Christmas. I made a kick ass giant heart cookie for Boyfriend for Valentine’s day too. He ate every bit of it. It was over half a batch of dough. I’m glad he liked it.

I hope I stop being so easily discouraged. I struggle occasionally with depression, and the situations in my workplace are feeding the discouraged side more than the encouraged part gets fed. I am there 8 hours and 45 minutes five days a week. How do people keep going to a job they despise? How do we keep working in situations we hate? I’m not really sure at this point. I am not happy in my present situation. I keep hoping I will have the next great idea that will make me wealthy enough to not need to work there. Until then, I need to be able to pay my bills. So there I am. Another day, another dollar as my grandfather use to say. Le sigh.

I feel like I’ve changed, but not for the better. At least not yet. I want to have my hope renewed, my faith strengthened, my joy increased. I will keep working towards these ends. If you have any encouraging words for me, please feel free to share them. I would love to hear from you.

In the meantime, g’nite all. Pleasant dreams……. Angela

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Acknowledgements: http://bravegirlsclub.com/