Category Archives: memories

Robin Williams Shocked Us All

This is a wonderful short video tribute shared by moderngreen on YouTube

 

I will also add a small warning hear. This is not a happy post. This is, to me at least, a very serious post. So be prepared for that if you decide to keep reading.

It has been quite a few days since the world and I were shocked to hear of the death of Robin Williams. I haven’t known how to say how it affected me. I’m still struggling to do so. I do know it has made me incredibly sad.

I have loved him from the moment I saw him being the weird and wonderful Mork from Ork on Happy Days. I was fascinated by the character, and the man who was playing him. So began my journey with Mr. Williams. Unlike him, I have never had a drug or addiction problem. But. . . like him I have had a problem with depression.

I’ve struggled with depression off and on for many of my 50+ years. Unfortunately it has been a constant thing most of the last 2 years. Even people close to me don’t always know what to do around me. If someone as successful and loved as Robin Williams can’t beat depression, how does someone like me do it? This has been the question I have pondered since he died. In his suicide, he brought me face to face with the reality of my thoughts, and how they must not be true. You see I have mostly tried to work through my depression by telling myself it would be better when I was successful in my financial endeavors. It would be better when I didn’t have to fight so hard to get by on a day to day level. It would be better when I had enough money to cover my bills and have a little left over for other things. Then, then. . . it would be better

If it’s wasn’t better for him, how will it ever be better for me? I’m sure I’m not the only person thinking along these lines, and I have been glad some people have included suicide hotline numbers in their comments about Robin. I haven’t been suicidal at this point. I did have an episode with suicide several years ago when going through a brutal separation and divorce. But I haven’t had a second round with it, just a battle with depression itself and having a hard time going on day after day with every day life. I’m trudging through at best it seems. But I am trudging through.

And it’s not that good things do not and have not happened for me and in my life. That’s not what depression is, a lack of good things around us. It has been explained many times in many ways, Google it if you need a description. Just don’t waste my time or yours by telling me or anybody else to just ‘get over it!’ That’s a bullshit comment from someone who doesn’t want to take the time to figure out something that might be helpful. So just don’t.

Depression for me has been recognizing that I don’t have the life I worked so hard for and dreamed of. I don’t have the relationships with some of my family that I should have, because they want to lie and steal and be drug addicts and say way to much lying crap about me for me to be a part of their lives. I have also been constantly attacked by these same family members, and have not been able to get resolution inside of myself for all the crap they have put me through. Add with that a business set up that I got completely hood winked in, and wasted several years of my life working towards to have it stolen from me too. There are other things I could add here, but I’m not gonna. It’s been hard, life is not easy and that’s pretty much a total of the sum of it for me.

So, I am not a financial success. The efforts I have been making are not giving me the results I need and want. I’m tired of being told how much better our economy is. If that is true, why are so many people still out of work, or if working, still not getting raises and still seeing their benefits cut? That’s not better folks. Just be logical about it. I am glad for the people who are doing better for themselves over the last few years, but it has been more the other way that I have witnessed.

Robin has died. His shining life has been silenced. His success didn’t save him, our love for him couldn’t sustain him and the reality of depression finally won in his life. I miss him, I am sad he is not on this planet anymore and I pray that he has found peace now. I do understand not having internal peace. Thankfully I have had enough periods of that during my current personal struggle to keep me going. I pray for his family and friends and all of us that miss him and hate that this has happened. I think it scares everyone too, to think if he could kill himself maybe one day they could too. Maybe not, but it shook me up. I bet I’m not the only one.

On a better day I will share my memories of him and some of the laughs he gave me. I do love that he started making things like Aladdin so his daughter could watch his movies with him. There are other things about him like that, and I’ll share those another day.

In the mean time, I’ll keep working out my life one day at a time with God’s help and love from friends and family. I just felt like I needed to share this as it is, and see who else out there might understand or feel this way too. You are not alone.

Until another day then, this is all. Angela

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Happy Fourth of July!

Red Skelton was a wonderful comedian. My Granny loved him, so I watched him with her whenever she could find him on TV. I remember watching this originally with her at home, and loved every word of it. The sad part to me is that many children today don’t know how to recite our Pledge of Allegiance, and don’t understand much about patriotism at all. I am thankful I was born in a time when being patriotic was still the norm, even with all the problems of the Vietnam War and other political issues.

A friend shared this on Facebook yesterday and reminded me of it. Thanks to her you get to hear this wonderful explanation of our Pledge of Allegiance by Red Skelton. This was read into Congress two different times and has received several awards as well.

I hope you and your family enjoy the fun and freedom as we once again celebrate our very own Independence Day!

 

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Beginning a Practice of Forgiveness

Last week I went to a writing class. It was not your big name, large audience type of writing class. There were no big name authors, no fan girl types in the group. No large audience attended, we were not in a big conference center. But that didn’t stop the class from having a very powerful impact. Instead of the big name/big room, we had something smaller. Something a little more intimate. Something a little more special. We met at a small studio in downtown Greenville, SC.

When we signed up for the event on Facebook, we were told: “Using creative writing techniques, participants will explore moments of their past that have caused unresolved hurt or shame, will write what acknowledgement, apology or reparation they might want, and envision what their lives might be like if they could relinquish resentment, indignation and anger.” Sounds pretty straight forward, easy enough. I thought about a few things that I could work on (I wish I only had one thing, but that’s just not realistic. :) ) So I had something in mind to work on, and even though I debated a couple of times throughout the day about going, I headed out to meet a friend and we drove over to the studio.

Now, any of you that follow my blog or pop over from time to time will have noticed that I haven’t had much to say lately. I really can’t say why either, other than a couple of little points I made in my last post about missing Paris and feeling depressed off and on. It’s not like me in real life to be silent for so long either, so I went to this class hoping it would prime my pump so to speak, for writing and sharing again. The class was also part of a bigger event called “The Forgiveness Project – The ‘F’ Word” which was being hosted by Greenville Yoga and Raspberry Moon Skin Therapy. I hadn’t had time to view the exhibit before the class, so I spent a few minutes with my friend beforehand reading through part of the stories the exhibit shared. It was touching and inspiring and awesome and a little scary all at the same time. You can read lots of stories of forgiveness overcoming tragedy on their website too, so pop over there and dip your toes in too. We had been greeted as we entered the class by Heather, who was our facilitator that night and we started preparing our space for our class.

With a combination of a little of the stories from the exhibit still running through my mind, as well as the bits and pieces of stuff I had been thinking of working on, I sat down on a mat and leaned slightly against a wall for support and listened as Heather began to explain, to open the door to the wonderland she was preparing to take us into.  She asked for us to settle on an intention for ourselves, what we wanted or hoped to get out of the class. She wanted us sitting comfortably, opening ourselves up to this experience and helping us relax and breathe, just breathe and let go. I was trying to follow her, but was still having a little trouble doing that. But I made myself sit still and start to take deep breaths and voila! I was able to relax and my focus and clarity on what I needed to work on came very quickly. Surprisingly enough it wasn’t any of the things I had thought of before hand. It’s amazing what taking just 3 deep, long breaths can do to calm your body and your thoughts down. There are all sorts of medical studies that prove it works if you want to Google them, but even with that evidence and the Heartmath work I used to do more regularly I forget this simple thing quite often. Yes, I’m sitting here laughing slightly at myself as I type this. A few deep breaths help ease our tension in almost every situation. Remember when you were told to count to ten before your let your anger go? I bet that’s so you can breathe a little to calm down, don’t you?

Anyhow, I breathe and I focus and I listen to Heather’s gentle instruction – Put yourself in your perfect place. The beach, near a river, in the mountains, wherever. Imagine yourself as part of this place and begin writing: “I am…” and include a color, a smell and a texture. She gave us a couple of examples and then gave us time to write. My place was the beach, and the position I saw myself in surprised me but was very illuminating for me. I’ll share my little piece with you tomorrow.

The class continued through 5 writing steps that led us through what the description promised: exploration, acknowledgement, what we hoped from the experience for ourselves, what we hoped for the other person/situation, and writing to let go and move forward. The class was very encouraging to me and I did feel like I can start to write again. I had to shake my head and laugh a little at the end of it though. I didn’t pay anything for this class, we were told we could make a donation as we entered the class if we wanted, but it wasn’t required. Several weeks ago I did pay for a writing class, writing through grief so a little similar in theme if not emotion. However, that class was not as fruitful for me. It goes to show you never know where your muse or inspiration will land sometimes.

I am really thankful and very happy that I joined the class that evening. I hope to share some of my writings here with you as I continue with my practice of writing through my forgiveness. Who knows? Maybe my muse will talk to your muse, and all of our muses will have our pumps flowing shortly. Talk to you later, Angela

Sunset November 2010
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In a Paris Frame of Mind . . .

Saudade pinterest size

Over at abeautifulmessinside, The Mess offered us a challenge. “I’d like you to pair the right words or a favorite quote with a selfie and share it with us.  Be creative.  You don’t even have to show us your face. Let’s be intimate and try real “in-to-me-see”. I hope you’ll share with us because it helps us see more clearly into ourselves. I know you. You have lots to say and this is a safe place for you to be heard.

Well, I decided to take her up on it. It has taken me a while today to figure this one out. To start off with, I didn’t have a picture or a quote to use, just a realization that lately I am constantly think of myself as SAD! This is truly a revelation for me today, and I have decided to stop thinking this way and start forcing myself to see me as a happy me. Time to stop the sad train and get on board with a better frame of mind. My head knows I don’t have to let current circumstances dictate my mood or feelings for my day, but it’s really easy to let that happen in your heart isn’t it? I’ve fought depression off and on again for a lot of this year, and it has definitely colored my self perception.

The picture I decided to use is from that very happy trip earlier this summer we made to Paris. I thoroughly enjoyed our time there and want to go back quite often. Hence the quote, er, definition of saudade. Very often when I have traveled over my lifetime, the places I visit capture my heart….apparently forever! I promised you guys some pictures and stories of that trip too that I’ve never been able to put together. I truly feel like we left there too soon. :) I’ve even had trouble going back and looking at all of our pictures. However, I have managed to get through 2 days worth of them (around 1500 pictures!) in the last few days, so maybe…..maybe…..I can get back to sharing. No large promises or dictating deadlines to myself though. That doesn’t seem to be working for my post writing. :D

I’ve already thanked The Mess for this in my comment and share on her post, but I would like to say it again here as well. Thank you Miss Mess for making me think today. I don’t want to live my life thinking I’m suppose to be a sad woman any longer. We are made for so much more than that!

Until next time, Angela

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