This is a wonderful short video tribute shared by moderngreen on YouTube
I will also add a small warning hear. This is not a happy post. This is, to me at least, a very serious post. So be prepared for that if you decide to keep reading.
It has been quite a few days since the world and I were shocked to hear of the death of Robin Williams. I haven’t known how to say how it affected me. I’m still struggling to do so. I do know it has made me incredibly sad.
I have loved him from the moment I saw him being the weird and wonderful Mork from Ork on Happy Days. I was fascinated by the character, and the man who was playing him. So began my journey with Mr. Williams. Unlike him, I have never had a drug or addiction problem. But. . . like him I have had a problem with depression.
I’ve struggled with depression off and on for many of my 50+ years. Unfortunately it has been a constant thing most of the last 2 years. Even people close to me don’t always know what to do around me. If someone as successful and loved as Robin Williams can’t beat depression, how does someone like me do it? This has been the question I have pondered since he died. In his suicide, he brought me face to face with the reality of my thoughts, and how they must not be true. You see I have mostly tried to work through my depression by telling myself it would be better when I was successful in my financial endeavors. It would be better when I didn’t have to fight so hard to get by on a day to day level. It would be better when I had enough money to cover my bills and have a little left over for other things. Then, then. . . it would be better
If it’s wasn’t better for him, how will it ever be better for me? I’m sure I’m not the only person thinking along these lines, and I have been glad some people have included suicide hotline numbers in their comments about Robin. I haven’t been suicidal at this point. I did have an episode with suicide several years ago when going through a brutal separation and divorce. But I haven’t had a second round with it, just a battle with depression itself and having a hard time going on day after day with every day life. I’m trudging through at best it seems. But I am trudging through.
And it’s not that good things do not and have not happened for me and in my life. That’s not what depression is, a lack of good things around us. It has been explained many times in many ways, Google it if you need a description. Just don’t waste my time or yours by telling me or anybody else to just ‘get over it!’ That’s a bullshit comment from someone who doesn’t want to take the time to figure out something that might be helpful. So just don’t.
Depression for me has been recognizing that I don’t have the life I worked so hard for and dreamed of. I don’t have the relationships with some of my family that I should have, because they want to lie and steal and be drug addicts and say way to much lying crap about me for me to be a part of their lives. I have also been constantly attacked by these same family members, and have not been able to get resolution inside of myself for all the crap they have put me through. Add with that a business set up that I got completely hood winked in, and wasted several years of my life working towards to have it stolen from me too. There are other things I could add here, but I’m not gonna. It’s been hard, life is not easy and that’s pretty much a total of the sum of it for me.
So, I am not a financial success. The efforts I have been making are not giving me the results I need and want. I’m tired of being told how much better our economy is. If that is true, why are so many people still out of work, or if working, still not getting raises and still seeing their benefits cut? That’s not better folks. Just be logical about it. I am glad for the people who are doing better for themselves over the last few years, but it has been more the other way that I have witnessed.
Robin has died. His shining life has been silenced. His success didn’t save him, our love for him couldn’t sustain him and the reality of depression finally won in his life. I miss him, I am sad he is not on this planet anymore and I pray that he has found peace now. I do understand not having internal peace. Thankfully I have had enough periods of that during my current personal struggle to keep me going. I pray for his family and friends and all of us that miss him and hate that this has happened. I think it scares everyone too, to think if he could kill himself maybe one day they could too. Maybe not, but it shook me up. I bet I’m not the only one.
On a better day I will share my memories of him and some of the laughs he gave me. I do love that he started making things like Aladdin so his daughter could watch his movies with him. There are other things about him like that, and I’ll share those another day.
In the mean time, I’ll keep working out my life one day at a time with God’s help and love from friends and family. I just felt like I needed to share this as it is, and see who else out there might understand or feel this way too. You are not alone.
Until another day then, this is all. Angela