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Archive for the ‘Ponderings’ Category

Will You Have Me?

20 Jan

I really love the thought provoking video “Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus || Spoken Word.” If you haven’t seen it yet, click here to view it first. It made the rounds through YouTube and Facebook, which is where I first saw it. I am not surprised to find out that it has stirred up a lot of controversy, but I agree with the points Jefferson makes in his poem.

Here is his explanation from YouTube for his video: “A poem I wrote to highlight the difference between Jesus and false religion. In the scriptures Jesus received the most opposition from the most religious people of his day. At it’s core Jesus’ gospel and the good news of the Cross is in pure opposition to self-righteousness/self-justification. Religion is man centered, Jesus is God-centered. This poem highlights my journey to discover this truth. Religion either ends in pride or despair. Pride because you make a list and can do it and act better than everyone, or despair because you can’t do your own list of rules and feel “not good enough” for God. With Jesus though you have humble confident joy because He represents you, you don’t represent yourself and His sacrifice is perfect putting us in perfect standing with God!”

Below is another video that was shared in response to “Why I Hate Religion….”, and it is a beautiful representation of who Jesus really was as a human being while He was on this planet with us, and still represents the kind of relationship He wants with all of us today. Listen to all of it, but really hear what is being said about Jesus in the last half of the video:

 

I appreciate this thoughtful response. A lot of people don’t know that this is really WHO Jesus is. They think He is the rule maker, the list maker, the fault finder. But He isn’t. He is the LOVE that accepts us all and loves us just like we are. He’ll hang out with you all day wherever you go, be your best friend and love you more than words can say…..if you’ll let Him. Will you try hanging out with Him sometime? It’s really up to you.

Either way, He loves you. Just thought I’d let you know that today. Jesus is saying: “Will you have me?” It’s all up to you. Angela

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Acknowledgements: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDG more...
 
 

The New Year Is Here….

12 Jan

In this New Year, I hope you are overwhelmed with a sense of joy every day, that your troubles stay far away,
that you are blessed beyond measure, and you find new things to treasure.

I am still having trouble believing 2012 is here, but that won’t stop time from marching on, will it? :) Angela

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A New Day….

03 Jan

Full of new mercies. Today is not Monday, but I am so grateful nonetheless. I am grateful I got to see so much of my family over the holidays. I am grateful my Dad and I spent a lovely evening with a couple of my cousins sharing old memories, and making a few new ones too. I am grateful for the love I saw on all 3 of my granddaughters faces when they received their Raggedy Anns. I am grateful for grandsons that enjoyed watching our frog eat. They were fascinated by her prowess in catching her crickets. I am grateful for Daughters and Son that let me know they enjoy being with me, even if all we can have are a few hours every now and then. I am grateful for Boyfriend and how much he helped me with my Christmas preparations. I am grateful for time shared with friends, dinners and game nights, and presents and fun! Boyfriend and I had a lot of fun Christmas morning watching little girls open presents. The 2 year old was so excited, the 7 yr old was too, although all of us adults were up before both of them were. :) I think we were excited too.

The holidays came and went too fast for me. I again find myself quoting Dr. Seuss: Don’t be sorry it’s over, be glad it happened. I also have plans to see some friends soon that I couldn’t connect with over the holidays. Another thing I am grateful for and looking forward too.

I am also very grateful for clean sheets! I guess being so busy making dolls I forgot to change my sheets, oops! But we did get them changed out yesterday, and they felt WONDERFUL last night. Ahhhh!

I have a wonderful feeling this morning. I feel fresh, and new, and clean. Kinda like my sheets I guess. But seriously, it’s kinda like I’m starting fresh, today, right now. Someone told me recently that the past doesn’t matter, God forgave us of it, why can’t we forgive ourselves? It’s not the old track record we need to focus on, it’s the new goals we won’t to accomplish that need our attention now. “…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,….I press on toward the goal to win the prize…” Phillipians 3:13 & 14 We don’t have to sift through the trash of our old failures to “figure out” what we did wrong. We need to forgive ourselves for not accomplishing our goals, and be a little less demanding in some areas to ourselves as we set new ones. Don’t set yourself up for failure, be realistic with what you decide to try. Remember my plans? That document is living, I can change it as I need to so that I don’t use it to discourage myself, but continue to use it to accomplish my goals. I am learning more and more about how much and how little I can do. I am also learning at how badly I estimate things some time. Those Raggedy Anns took wa-a-a-ay longer than I expected them too. :) So promise me you won’t waste time beating yourself up over things that you didn’t accomplish….yet. Forgive yourself and try again in a more realistic time frame, ok? Help me do that for myself as well.

Here is to a gentler and kinder 2012, in every area of our lives. Remember folks that Jesus loves you, and I do too! Happy New Year everyone, let’s enjoy another trip around the sun! Angela

 

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Affirmations and Declarations

11 Dec

Words are powerful. We throw them around really casually sometimes, but what could happen if we start speaking positive words, on purpose? I wanted to share a few verses, declarations and affirmations and to encourage you to use them. Look through the list and choose the ones that jump out at you, and speak them to yourself during your day. When I am consistent in using affirming words regularly, I see a difference in my life. My hope is you will find some encouragement and hope here today as well.

I  declare God’s incredible blessings over my life. I’m going to see an explosion of God’s goodness this year. I’m going to experience the surpassing greatness of God’s favor. It’s going to elevate me to a level higher than I ever dreamed.

I trust my hopes and dreams to God. – Psalm 119:116

I am perfectly healthy in body, mind and spirit.

I forgive and I am forgiven.

I am precious to God. -Matthew 6:25-44

I am healthy, happy and radiant.

I declare I am special and extraordinary. I have been custom made. I am one of a kind. Of all the things God created, what He is the most proud of is not that spectacular solar system, not the magnificent sunsets, not even the amazing animals. The creation that God calls His masterpiece is me.

I easily forgive all those that need forgiving and I forgive myself.

I love and accept myself.

I know that God is always with me. – Isaiah 41:10

I know that today’s discouragement will be replaced by tomorrow’s joy. – Isaiah 51:11

I express love to all those I meet.

The more resentment I release the more love I have to express,

I release the need to be right all the time and to judge others.

I know that God will give me the desires of my heart. – Psalm 37:4

I am free, I am well, I am whole, and I am strong and healthy.

I release the need to please others.

I know that God will fill my life with good things. – Psalm 103:1-5

I know that God’s unfailing love surrounds me and that I can trust Him. – Psalm 23:10

I am a radiating center of divine love.

I am healthy, and full of energy and vitality.

Forgiveness is a gift I now give to myself and those around me.

My sleep is relaxed and refreshing.

My body is healed, restored and filled with energy.

The past has no power over me.

I attract loving, beautiful people into my life.

I release old hurt, anger and resentment easily.

Instead of complaining about the economy, I’m going to believe for the best year ever. I declare Psalm 37:19 over my life, which says that even in famine the righteous will have more than enough, I’m going to believe God to bring increase in the middle of what looks like a bad situation. I will believe for more than enough so I can share with others.

I hope you find words to encourage you here today. Write them on sticky notes and put them on your mirror, your dash, maybe your desk, and think about them, meditate on them for a minute or for several minutes when you see them. We can use words to build up our lives. Speak life, hope, love and encouragement to yourself. You are special. You are worth it. Talk to you soon, Angela

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Love Is…

17 Jun

…something that needs to be cultivated, just like a field of crops or flowers you plant in your yard. If you don’t pursue the weeds and remove them, they will overtake your lovely flower bed. The same goes for helping love have a place to bloom inside of us. When we have unloving thoughts towards others, those are the weeds. Those thoughts won’t just leave by themselves. You have to pull them out and say “No!” to them and replace them with a loving thought towards the one the weed was growing against. Sometimes these word weeds are growing against our family or friends, sometimes they are growing against ourselves. Either way, you have to do something to make those weeds stop growing, just like you have to physically pull weeds out of that flowerbed. I want to encourage you to make a conscious effort to weed your heart and mind and replace all that with loving thoughts and actions. You’ll see a much more beautiful harvest of flowers in your life if you will.

Love is patient.  

Love is kind.

Love does not envy.

Love does not boast.

Love is not proud.

Love does not dishonor others.

Love is not self-seeking.

Love is not easily angered.

Love keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in the pain of others but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects.

Love always trusts.

Love always hopes.

Love always perseveres.

Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Hope you have a love filled day!  Angela

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Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

07 Jun

I have a problem. My problem is: I don’t like to unfriend people on Facebook. Normally.

I have a lot of friends on Facebook right now, currently I have about 700 friends total on Facebook. Around 600 of these are people I play games with and friends I have made internationally through the games. The other 100 or so are people who are everyday friends and family, some pretty close to me, others just from my ancient history.

Recently a friend that I have always enjoyed talking to but don’t talk to that often put an abrupt and lightly rude comment on one of my status updates. I occasionally use my status to ask my game friends for help. I also am kind of anal about cleaning up my wall with old requests from the game because I don’t like my own wall to be full of the requests all the time. The friend said my status updates were filling up her newsfeed, and we would no longer be friends because of that. However, she didn’t unfriend me. I replied and told her she could hide game requests in her feed from me and other people by right clicking on the remove X and choosing to block all of the posts from certain games if that would help. I didn’t understand how one status update was blocking her newsfeed.  She didn’t respond to my comment, so I just dropped it.

I have other friends that don’t play the games tell me that they don’t have any problems in their newfeeds with the stuff I post. It just was an out of the blue comment from someone I have always enjoyed talking with. The lack of response to me seemed odd too given that they seemed upset.

So, here I am. A few days later, wondering if I should unfriend them myself or not. Should I broach the subject with them or not? I really don’t talk to them more than 5 or 6 times a year. To be honest I am surprised it bothers me as much as it does. I guess I feel like I go to a lot of trouble for myself to clean up my own wall. I do like this person. It does seem rude to just jump on anyone’s wall and tell them you aren’t friends anymore because you are irritated about one of their posts, with no prior conversation about it or anything. In the long run I would like to just forget about it and get over it, but so far that hasn’t happened either. :) I guess I need to let it rest until I figure out why it is bothering me so much.

There are others I have unfriended simply because they asked to be my friend and never interacted with me at all for 2 or 3 years, even when I would contact them, and/or post a greeting on their wall. I finally came to the conclusion that they just wanted to see ‘how I turned out’ after a mean divorce I went through. So, click, click, click. Unfriended! And I didn’t feel bad about it at all. I have realized a couple of people from school have unfriended me too, but they never communicated with me so I didn’t feel any loss there either.

For now, I will just hide this friend from my feed until I figure out whether to try to talk to them again or just let it go. C’est la vi! Do you struggle with the unfriend thing too? How do you figure out what you want to do if a situation arises?

In the meantime, real life goes on doesn’t it? :) If this is the worst thing I deal with this week, it will be a good week! Hope your week is going well for you. Let me know, ok? Angela

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Absent Again :)

31 May

Well, I didn’t mean to be away for quite so long. Hope all is well with you and yours. We had a nice vacation at Folly Beach, so yes, dreams do come true. :) We also had several things we needed to get done, Boyfriend and I. We did accomplish part of our list. Why is it we always have more on those lists than we can get done it seems? Oh well. We will keep working on it.

I will have a nice new sewing area to share with you sometime over the next few weeks. One of the things on the list was a trip to Ikea to purchase shelves for Boyfriend’s home. He has been pondering them for 9 months or so. . . yes, I am dating a procrastinator. :) Because I despise to shop he paid a shopping tax for me joining him on the trip. The tax was some shelving for my sewing area. I got a great bargain out of the whole thing because as it turned out shopping at Ikea was fun to me. 8) Go figure. Either way we will both have some wonderful and handy new shelves to use soon. Yay!

I also have several other things I have not posted on, Artisphere being one of those things. I have so many cool things to share about it with you. I will definitely try to get that post finished. I will also be sharing some of the cute pics from our vacation as soon as I get those downloaded to my computer too. Hopefully this weekend.

In the meantime, I have been working on a list of 60 questions to submit to a business coach I have just started working with. Going through some of the questions has caused me to pull out some old favorites of encouragement and inspiration. I wanted to share some wonderful quotes I am using from Og Mandino. Hope you find some nugget to enjoy as well! See you in June! Angela

Always render more and better service than is expected of you, no matter what your task may be.

Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.

Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.

I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.

Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread: remade all the time, made new.

Never again clutter your days or nights with so many menial and unimportant things that you have no time to accept a real challenge when it comes along. This applies to play as well as work. A day merely survived is no cause for celebration. You are not here to fritter away your precious hours when you have the ability to accomplish so much by making a slight change in your routine. No more busy work. No more hiding from success. Leave time, leave space, to grow. Now. Now! Not tomorrow!

Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.

Sound character provides the power with which a person may ride the emergencies of life instead of being overwhelmed by them. Failure is… the highway to success.

The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of setting goals and achieving them. Even the most tedious chore will become endurable as you parade through each day convinced that every task, no matter how menial or boring, brings you closer to fulfilling your dreams.

To be always intending to make a new and better life but never to find time to set about it is as to put off eating and drinking and sleeping from one day to the next until you’re dead.

To do anything truly worth doing, I must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in with gusto and scramble through as well as I can.

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster. Your life will never be the same again.

Og Mandino, author of  The Greatest Miracle in the World and The Greatest Salesman In The World

Always render more and better service than is expected of you, no matter what your task may be.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Always seek out the seed of triumph in every adversity.
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Og Mandino

Cherish each hour of this day for it can never return.
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Og Mandino

Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Each failure to sell will increase your chances for success at your next attempt.
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Og Mandino

Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.
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Og Mandino

I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

I seek constantly to improve my manners and graces, for they are the sugar to which all are attracted.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

I will not allow yesterday’s success to lull me into today’s complacency, for this is the great foundation of failure.
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Og Mandino

It is those who concentrate on but one thing at a time who advance in this world. The great man or woman is the one who never steps outside his or her specialty or foolishly dissipates his or her individuality.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread: remade all the time, made new.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Never again clutter your days or nights with so many menial and unimportant things that you have no time to accept a real challenge when it comes along. This applies to play as well as work. A day merely survived is no cause for celebration. You are not here to fritter away your precious hours when you have the ability to accomplish so much by making a slight change in your routine. No more busy work. No more hiding from success. Leave time, leave space, to grow. Now. Now! Not tomorrow!
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Sound character provides the power with which a person may ride the emergencies of life instead of being overwhelmed by them. Failure is… the highway to success.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Take the attitude of a student, never be too big to ask questions, never know too much to learn something new.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

The person who knows one thing and does it better than anyone else, even if it only be the art of raising lentils, receives the crown he merits. If he raises all his energy to that end, he is a benefactor of mankind and its rewarded as such.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of setting goals and achieving them. Even the most tedious chore will become endurable as you parade through each day convinced that every task, no matter how menial or boring, brings you closer to fulfilling your dreams.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

To be always intending to make a new and better life but never to find time to set about it is as to put off eating and drinking and sleeping from one day to the next until you’re dead.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

To do anything truly worth doing, I must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in with gusto and scramble through as well as I can.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Treasure the love you have received above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your good health has vanished.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster. Your life will never be the same again.
[info][add][mail]

Og Mandino, The Greatest Miracle in the World

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What Have I Been Up Too Lately?

19 May

Funny how I want to write, but don’t seem to have enough juice to do it. So, I have been reading other people’s blogs, people like Helen Clyde. This is a very interesting lady who I luckily tripped on to one day a couple of weeks ago. She is very creative, I have been enjoying reading about her multiple craft ideas and checking out things she has made. She adds a music video she likes to her blogs each day too, and that has been a lot of fun for me to listen to new music and see some familiar names too. I really like her blog. It is very encouraging to me to read whatever she shares. You need to check her out too.

Another blog I like to visit is Blogging About AF life. I believe I found this one through The BlogFrog, but I’m not 100% sure. This is a blog about real life, and she is also a crafty kind as well. I feel like I know her when I read what she shares, and again I just really like her blog and her posts. A very interesting lady. :)

I am also reading Princess Warrior Lessons. She battles a disease that causes her great fatigue. I don’t have any known cause for this myself, but I do have problems with my energy a lot, and understand fatigue more than I want to. She is a busy mom, wife and woman and her struggles sometimes run similar to mine for different reasons. I really got a lot out of her recent post named ‘Unplug.’ I have been wondering if Facebook and some other things are eating too much of my time. She is looking at similar issues and has decided to unplug from it for the month of May. It is an intriguing thought to me. I am pondering something similar myself.

As I was reading Princess Warrior, I found a link to The Gypsy Mama and found an older post of hers that really spoke to me, For The Sundays When You Wonder If You Matter At All. I use to really enjoy going to church and being part of a community there. But the last few years have not been geared that way. At times I really do miss it too, but when I do go it just doesn’t seem to be right. My belief system is similar to a lot of churches in some ways, and very different in others. This post gave me a different perspective about going to church. I really love to have people come to things I am involved in, to participate, to be involved or just to be there to support me. This post made me realize that sometimes Jesus just gets happy because I came to be with Him in His Father’s house. It’s nice to feel wanted. I am wanted by Him because He loves me. The post talks about Jesus celebrating our being there with Him.  We can get a lot of ‘go to church’ because you’re suppose to, or because you should. But obligation is not getting me there anymore at all. But hanging out with Jesus like this post talks about, yeah. I would really love that. For me it was a very touching post. Thank you Gypsy Mama.

I guess I’ve needed to soak up some of these things. I am drawn to real life blogs right now, people sharing their lives and their hearts and the honesty of that is very appealing to me. There are other blogs I visit and follow, but these are the ones speaking the loudest to me. We all have extremely busy lives now, and that’s not always a good thing. I want to remember to enjoy my life, to embrace the wonderful moments and savor them to help give me strength to get through the harder times. We have both good and hard in our lives. I don’t want the hard to drown out the good for me. And I’m willing to do something to keep that from happening, even if it is only finding blogs that encourage me to keep on keeping on. :) Hope you are finding the best way to do that for yourself too. Let me know how you are. Hopefully over the weekend I can share about the fun we had at Artisphere last week. Have a great Friday! Angela

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You Know Google….

04 May

Does Google know you? Just for grins and giggles last night I decided to Google myself and see if the search engine knew anything about me. As it turns out the answer to that is: Yes! There is a lot of info about me, some of which really surprised me. I will kinda walk through my Google results and we’ll talk about my reaction to them.

The first thing listed is a networking site I am a part of, Linked In. Actually there were 4 Linked In results, only 2 of them were partly accurate. My job is listed correctly. Nothing strange there.

The next result after these was business related also. I was listed with a networking group I am associated with. Enough info for someone to contact me about the group, no problems there.

The next one was a website you could pay a fee to supposedly get all of my contact information: email, home address, business and phone numbers. The site promises “Everything!” for a fee of $2.95 a month or $39.95 for even more information, this would include my criminal background check. I knew these kind of sites were out there, just never though about my information being on them. This one was a little unsettling. I’m not paying the fee, but doubt they have all of it figured out. They might though. Hmmmmm…..

I really feel weird about the next one. I am just like everybody, occasionally I will give to a good cause. That happened at an event one December and I shared a small monetary gift with a group. Guess what? That’s in Google too. The group listed all their donors on a website page. If they had asked I would have said to list me anonymously. They didn’t ask. I will be contacting them to remove me from this very public list. I am not comfortable with this particular entry.

One of my blog entries is next on the list, the recent one I did with pictures I entitled “Azaleas in Wonderland” found by the category it is in, Spring. I like that this is on the list. I want people to read my blog. You know….people like you :) . I’m A-ok with this one.

The next result was a dud, but the one after that was again a little unsettling. I had a friend to pass away who was very young. He was in his early 30′s. I had not seen him for a few years, he and my kids were friends when they were teenagers. I knew he had moved away in the last few years and they only heard from him 2 or 3 times. When we found out he had passed away, I went online and wrote a note to his family as we all use to be pretty close but I didn’t have any current contact information for them. Yep, you guessed it. My note to the family is stored on the funeral home website and came up in my search of me. It even said what number my comment was out of all the comments. Like 15/55 kind of description. This was weird to me. Just not right.

Next, another strange one. I knew when I signed into some websites with my Facebook info that my information could be pulled. What I didn’t know was that at least one of these kind of websites makes a member page and puts our info in a descriptive form and it can be harvested off of it. Thankfully I don’t have my contact information listed on Facebook or it would be in this site. The most they got was my description of myself, a few books and movies I like and that I am an Agent/Office Manager. It could have been worse. Mostly just bothered me because there has not been anything on this website that told me they had made this page about me. That part I don’t like at all.

The next couple weren’t me, then there was one that states I am a donor, again, for something different. It is for a historical landmark and I knew I was listed on their website as a donor. This one I don’t mind. It is a very different thing from the first donation listed. Then there were several other wrong ones, then one more for this blog which turns out to just bring someone to this site and shows whatever the current post is. Another one I liked.

The third page had one blog link and another that did end up being me. I made a comment 2 years ago about my local farmer’s market. I had forgotten all about it, but Google hasn’t. It’s still out there to be seen and read.

Over all it was interesting to Google myself. I am definitely surprised by what information is out there, but that is because I am an active participant of the Internet. I’m sure it wasn’t very much info compared to others, it was mostly odd that it seemed so random. I do admit that I Googled Boyfriend in the early weeks of our relationship. I had known him for a few years, but his history still had a lot of holes in it. Mostly his information was about a recent home purchase he had made before we started dating, and a couple of other little things but nothing much. He doesn’t have much of an Internet presence, and he likes it that way. :)

What about you? Have you ever done this? Googled yourself or searched for your Internet information? Did some of it seem strange to you too? Let me know, we can share tidbits later! I would be quite fascinated to know what you find out. Have a great week folks, Angela

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Soul Changes, part 2

21 Apr

A Transformed Creature

My last few posts have been more on the light and fun side. Today is a more serious topic. In an earlier post, Don’t Let it Change You in Your Soul, I wrote about feeling broken, fragmented. Trying to hold myself together and helping myself heal and recover. To think on better things than the things that have hurt me. Think instead on these things: Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (Philippians 4:8) I do try to do that. I succeed most of the time. I am also coming to an understanding and a realization about myself too. I think it’s a good thing.

The divorce and the ensuing life changes it forced on me broke me for a little while. I guess it took a while for me to figure it out too. I would not have admitted this a couple of years ago, but for some reason now I know that it’s ok to do it. I am human, just like you….and whether you realize it or not that means we are fragile. We are breakable. We are fallible, and don’t want to admit it. In the earlier post I spoke of having a hard time recovering from some things. Part of it being hard I think was my inability to recognize that something in me had broken and my personality, or my soul, had changed from that break. I am recovering. And that is ok. One alternative would have been to go into a severe depression and be committed. Another alternative would have been to end my life. That is not an acceptable alternative. Both were things at different times during the early part of my separation and divorce that I thought about. I am grateful I never had to be committed. I am even more grateful I did not commit suicide. God sent people to me that helped me get through given moments that I could not get through myself, another thing I am grateful for.

Now I am recognizing I am different. I am changed. When I first noticed it I didn’t really feel like it was a good thing, hence some of the discussion I was having in the first post. I didn’t feel like the change was for the better. I apparently have a fear of change, so it has taken me a few weeks to realize the change isn’t bad. It’s just different. I am being more responsible with my own emotional care. I am different, but I like myself today. I am a kind person, I like to help others. I am not as naive as I used to be. I am also realizing I don’t always have to give all of me away to someone to help them. It isn’t necessary. I have always tended to be an all or nothing kinda girl. Now I am understanding that was not a very wise way for me to handle myself emotionally…. and I see that I can still help others without doing damage to myself.

I think I feel like this is selfish on some plane, so that is one reason I feel so weird about it. I do have compulsion issues. I am not an alcoholic, but definitely have the personality traits for that kind of behavior. The compulsive side of helping would have me so throw myself into helping someone else that I would get lost, not be able to say no. Boundaries help in these areas a lot. So I have learned to say no. Again. I learned this lesson many years ago, but because of the changes I am discussing I have had to relearn an old lesson.

So, what’s new with you? Has life forced any changes on you that you would probably not have chosen yourself? I say in my facebook profile: “I’m glad to be where I am now. If I had been asked, I probably wouldn’t have chosen the paths that led me here, but now that I am arriving, I know there was value in traveling down each one.” This is a very true statement for me. Hope you are seeing the value in your own journey as well. Til we meet again :) , Angela

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