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Archive for the ‘recovery’ Category

Where’s Your Oxygen Mask?

19 Jan

I saw a question on a blog recently that really made me stop and think. Do I treat myself like I am in a relationship with myself? Hmmmm…..What does that mean exactly? Well, I thought about relationships I am already in. Do I take good care of my friends and family, do I show Boyfriend how I care about him? Yes, according to what I observe and what my friends and family say, yes I am good to them and take care of them in many different ways. So, I know how to be in relationship, and have some skills at it. Now the question is: do I apply those same skills to myself? Again, I say “Hmmmmmm…..”

I think my answer is gonna have to be “No!” I don’t. I am always better to others than I am to myself. I have even been known to place myself in dangerous situations in the name of being good to others or helping others that I would never encourage my friends or family to be in just to ‘take care’ of someone else. I tell myself that I am being a nice caring person when in reality what I’m really doing is telling that person they have more value than me and I am willing to devalue myself in order to help them or be with them. So I will take the chance of harming myself to make sure they are happy. What I am doing is setting myself up to be taken advantage of.

By harm I don’t necessarily mean physical harm. I’m talking more about emotional harm here, but that can also open a door to neglect of self that brings the risk of physical harm. Say you are recovering from sickness or surgery, and can’t handle taking care of a loved one, yet you push yourself to do it because they are important too, and they need help. Then you realize you are having problems healing, you’re still too tired, or there are other complications for you physically. You were saying the other person had more value than you, their well being was more important than yours. Let me give you a word picture to show you what a bad idea that is.

I am on a jet plane, high altitude, flying across country with my children. Suddenly, the plane bucks and drops and the oxygen masks pop out over our heads. I reach over and start placing the mask on one of my children, trying to make sure my precious one is not injured from lack of oxygen. But….I can’t breathe! I start blacking out before I can put their mask on. I become unconscious and cannot help my child. My mistake was taking care of someone else before I took care of myself. Put your oxygen mask on first BEFORE you try to help someone else.

This next part is very simple. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. In other words, learn how to love yourself correctly to know how to love others correctly. Thinking more of others at the expense of yourself is wrong. It doesn’t prove you are a nice person, it doesn’t mean you are a good person, we are letting the world run over us and wondering why we are hurting so much. Being run over is painful. It leaves marks, and some marks leave scars.

So, even though very often we don’t want to be held accountable for our actions we need to learn to love ourselves better. Love ourselves without selfishness, because love is not about that. Love is: 4 … patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (I Corinthians 13: 4-7, yes that’s in the Bible. Something good about love.)

Do you love yourself this way? I am learning these lessons, and reminding myself that I am lovable, I am worth taking care of, and I have value too. Just like you. Hope you find this helpful on this journey of life. Let me know how you rate in your relationship with yourself. Talk to you soon! Angela

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Posted in Family, Friendship, overcoming, recovery

 

It Doesn’t Have To Be Perfect…

31 Oct

Pieces of Friendship Star

Today it is back to quilting. I’ve started a new block called a Friendship Star, which is strangely quite appropriate after yesterday’s post I think. I’ve really enjoyed working on the quilt so far. The 9-patch variation turned out great, even though I was sure it wouldn’t. And as I am making the individual pieces (little tiny squares of cloth I sew together to make bigger squares of cloth), I am looking at the little squares thinking what a mess they are.The angles are off, I have such a hard time making some of them line up correctly. It was another day with odd frustrating moments again. But as it turns out, I was enjoying it all the while I was struggling with this new pattern.

My perfectionism of several years ago would have been miserable making this quilt. Stringy pieces. Odd shapes. Points that don’t match to corners. Some material is even stretchy, and it’s all suppose to be cotton, which isn’t known for that! Then again here I am happily sewing away.

Friendship Star Block

Every time I think there is no way the blocks can turn out right, or even decent, something surprising happens. They turn out to be something beautiful. Every time. I am so glad I am learning to enjoy sewing again. Here I sit, taking little messy pieces of odd shapes, turning them into something I think is quite beautiful.

Kind of sounds like life, doesn’t it? Things fall apart and become a mess. We talk to friends, or family, God, maybe even the girl at the register when we are checking out at the grocery store trying to figure out what went wrong, what should we have done differently, who is really to blame. But somehow, some way it always seems to work out, sometimes even beautiful things come out of the mess. One of my messes was that divorce I keep referring to, but I have a beautiful life now. I still have hard times, but the people who surround me are people I know really love and care about me. Something absolutely beautiful came from that mess.

As I once told my boyfriend, “It doesn’t have to be perfect, just enjoyable.” He use to try so hard to make certain dates ‘perfect’ for us, and he would be so stressed out we didn’t even really enjoy being together. So now this is our motto. We don’t worry about making it perfect, we just want to enjoy our time together. I’m gonna try and continue to remember this as I sew and grow and craft. It doesn’t have to be perfect, I just need to enjoy it. Do you have a knack for handling stress or life when it’s less than perfect. Please share your comments and fill me in too. :) I would love to know how you handle things too. Gonna run now, see ya later! Angela

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Posted in Friendship, overcoming, Ponderings, recovery, sewing

 

Where Does Your Worth Come From?

18 Aug

How do you value yourself? Where does your sense of worth come from? Is it from the validation of others? This is something we want, whether we will admit it or not. We seek it through others agreeing with us on a matter, or acknowledging us in something we have done. There! A stamp of approval! It’s done! I’m validated, real, have value and worth….because someone or something tells me I do.

But what about the days when none of those things come? The lonely empty days when we feel lost, or alone, and wonder if all of life is just a pointless practice of lying down and getting up and starting all over again?

Then there are other days when the winds of adversity blow, the rain falls down….sometimes as quiet tears rolling down our face, into our hearts. Someone doesn’t like us, they didn’t approve of what we did or what we said. We were too harsh, or too quick, or maybe just too different from the other and a clash ensues, an argument begins, or we get rejected in one way or another.

“See?”, a little voice inside whispers. “See? They know the truth now – you’re wrong. You’re worthless. You have little or no value. So there!” We catch ourselves listening to that little voice that lies to us, that lives inside of us: the voice of insecurity.

I struggle with these types of things from time to time. Failures and losses in my life have led me to these feelings. I sometimes will go for several days, not even knowing I’ve wandered back into this little lonely hole where I feel lost and all alone. Then one day it will begin to dawn on me, and I will slowly start climbing my way out again. I’ve suffered several losses in my life. Had more than a few failures. Watched a grandparent get eaten by cancer when I was around 12. She was 74. I loved all my grandparents dearly; none of them lived past my 13th year. Lost my mom when I was 25, she was only 54. I had 3 beautiful children that missed their Nana as much as I missed my mom. Broke my back, literally, around 34. Lost a home around 35. Lost a marriage of 28 years around 46. Had to start over in every area of my life. New home, new job, new church, new state. Lots of rebuilding, and I’m still working on that. Last year had the unexpected loss of a very dear friend who was only 53. She was my oldest friend. We talked every day, now I just think about her often and miss her greatly. I wish the losses and failures had helped me be less like Schleprock and Eeyore, and be more optimistic and strong. But I don’t bounce back as well as I want to. Okay, that’s enough. I’m sure you understand and have suffered the same or similar things, and our worth is not determined by these losses or how we deal with them. What things do you allow to validate you? Where does your sense of worth come from? Please share your stories with me, share your testimonies of love and life and how you climb out of your hole as well about the losses you are also overcoming.

I am going to start something new for myself. I think it will help stop this eternal wheel of blah I seem to get trapped on. I am going to start a gratitude list. A friend of mine does this. She has a little notebook she uses to record large and small things she is grateful for, or happy about, or just blessings she has received. When she fills one book up, she finds another to start all over again. She reads her blessings on bad days, and when she has one or two filled up, she mails them to her daughters or friends so they can share the gratitude too.

Ann Voskamp has a community that does this as well. Would you like to start your own list? I’ll start mine with this:

Things I Am Grateful For:

1.Grandkids that run at me every day when I get home that act like it’s been weeks since they have seen me.
2. A Boyfriend who’s sweet and thinks I’m great.
3. Hugs and kisses from Boyfriend and Grandkids.
4. A daughter who keeps things clean and a son-in-law that mows grass. That means I don’t have to. :)
5. Friends who cook and play board games and card games and video games and drinking games. :)
6. Laughter with said friends that actually makes my face hurt and tummy sore from the sheer quantity of it.
7. My Daddy. He is the best man I know.
8. My job, when so many don’t have one right now.
9. The ability to pay my bills due to the job.
10. God, who I think gave me all these wonderful things.

Now, where’s yours? Let me know. Let’s encourage each other today.

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Posted in gratitude, lists, Ponderings, recovery

 

The Walking Wounded

22 Jul

Life has shot arrows at all of us. Unfortunately it isn’t some figurative bow they come from, but actual hands and mouths of people we know. Christians like to shoot their wounded, so they are gone and don’t remind them of their failures in ministry. But then…..others still open arms and hearts, like Ann Voskamp does, to try to answer questions, to help us not feel alone, to remind us we are not the only wounded soul on this planet…..sad is that, but true. Ann, I want to thank you for your blog. http://www.aholyexperience.com/ It has been a refreshing fountain for me to come and sit beside. You are a blessing to me.

A Place of Defense

I have been reading her for a few weeks now, her life is so different than mine, but still we have suffered similar things. Funny that thing of experience. Pain knows no boundaries, and we have all been touched by it. One of my dear Catholic friends once told me our pain is never wasted, God sees it as a sacrifice, sees and aches and hears our cries, so to never feel our pain is wasted. I am 4 or 5 years divorced from my former husband of 28 years, 3 children, and now 6 grand-children. Never thought it would be like that. But the nights when all I could do was collapse on my kitchen floor and cry, and ask the same questions we all have asked, “Why God? Why me? What did I do to deserve this, why are You letting this happen to me, to us, to my family?” Left for a time wondering if He even heard me, ever, at all.

But then, in a desperate night, feeling like a piece of garbage thrown away, God sent a friend. An old friend I wasn’t in touch with, who suddenly had my cell number and was calling me. Do I answer, or do I not? I answered, and then decided not to kill myself that night, not giving into the aching part of me that screamed I was a failure and it was all my fault. Because of course it wasn’t. God gave her, my friend, what I needed in that desperate hour to not do a desperate thing. And I made it through that night, and then a week, a month, almost a year…..

Folly Beach

A place to rest...

Then again, when I needed some desperate touch from someone in flesh and blood and not just ethereal God, another friend from long ago and far away calls, warning of disaster, need to change this and not do that, real specific things she couldn’t have known without Someone giving her details. Once again, disaster was averted, and I was ok, and didn’t feel so lost, or abandoned or uncared for.

I pray for those of you who have suffered too. Suffered at the hands of friends, suffered at the hands of family, suffered from places too vast to mention here. I pray for you. For the same God who came to my desperate need and rescue to do the same wonderful things you need, and rescue you from a pit of despair, or a dark night or cloudy day. I know it won’t be exactly the same as what He did for me, because you need specific things for yourselves. I will be watching and reading as you share. Tell me how you have been rescued, how God and the universe did what you needed, and when and how.

You are not alone. If you are reading this, you are not alone. Others have suffered and survived and grown through it. You can too. That is also a prayer I will pray for you. I pray for your heart and soul to be washed in peace, to be rinsed in love and to be softened in hope. To dry and be strong, not brittle or hard, but strength of character, of honor, of justice. If injustice has been served to you, do not become the thing you hate and serve injustice to others. Serve Justice, Rightness, Quality. Do not become the thing you hate. Do not give in to it. Reach out and reach up. You can do this.

We are here together in this space and time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I cherish each response. As always, Angela

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Posted in Ponderings, recovery