Accidentally Angela

Flowers from a friend

Spring is officially a few days away.Today is a beautiful spring like day. The trees have all started budding leaves and flowers. The flowers themselves are starting to bloom. Nice weather. Had a lot of rain, but that will help things grow. Maybe I will take a walk around the neighborhood later.

I went to see Allison Lively this week. She does Iridology & Nutritional Counseling at Creative Health. I have been seeing her for a few years. Her advice always helps me stay on track. She wants me to keep drinking green drinks and change my diet so I stop stressing my liver and kidneys. I really went cra-a-a-zy with food after my gall bladder surgery last year and I have gained over 40 extra pounds to prove it. I have noticed new problems with fatigue and the migraines are back, so I knew it was time to talk to her again. As we were talking, I had a realization.

I grew up in a poor family. Lots of people did. I have never really had to work on portion control because I only had so much food I could eat. The reason being we didn’t have enough money to buy much food.  I ate what I could when I could.  My realization was that I have always felt deprived of food, and never trusted it to be around for long. Money is kind of the same way. This continued into my marriage, we always struggled with money. I was truly a coupon queen for years. It really helped me feed my family, and I still like using them. However, I still have the belief that food is not going to be around long, so I must eat, eat, eat while I can. Now, with Boyfriend in my life, eating is as simple as saying, “I’m hungry! Let’s go eat!” Out the door we go and food is soon in front of me (us). Easy peasy. I will never starve dating him. He’s great like that. So, my food situation has changed, it is very available to me now. However, my attitude with it has not, so I am still eating what I can when I can, I just have so many ‘can’ opportunities now there really isn’t a deprivation problem.

I  need to stop feeling this way about food. I need to stop shoving big piles of food down my throat like I’m not going to have anything to eat tomorrow. I have to stop feeding the part of me that thinks I will starve and start feeding the part of me that feels secure and happy. I don’t know why this is such a hard thing for me to do sometimes. Hmmmmmm…. I spoke about changes a few posts back, guess this is another I need to add to my to do list.

I want to do more with my life than just feed myself. But I haven’t done much else with it lately either. I am becoming a selfish person because I have felt deprived. I keep pushing myself into little tight spaces to feel like I’m in control but I’m not. The spaces I keep shoving myself into cannot contain me either. My desires and hopes and dreams are bigger than the space I am giving myself to live and work in. Other people sometimes put me in boxes for themselves and I was letting them. I thought it was just them doing this to me, but now I realize I have been letting them do this to me all this time, and now I have started doing it to myself. Lots of my job situations are like this, my marriage was like this as well. Wonder what I can do with this revelation? Looks like another hmmmmmmmm………, at least for now.

Well, more changes I need to make. Things to ponder and figure out. Spring seems to be a pretty good time for change….Will let you know if I have any further revelations. Thanks! Angela

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